Working for a corporation, my mental health was bad.
Little moments when I would give myself away, abandon my heart, all day.
I spiraled. To the point of intense suicidal ideation.
There’s a price to pay for financial & spiritual freedom.
People who are free of financial worry and spiritually something eludes them. They’re often not completely fulfilled.
Money used to be the thing that I believed would make my life easier. So I chased it and got a lot. A house, an apartment across the country, a car, plenty of money in the bank, and access to anything I wanted.
I had money, but at that time, I wished I had these things:
- a girlfriend who does hardcore BDSM with me.
- living life as a woman (if you don’t know, I’m transgender).
- enough peace. measured by: not grinding my teeth at night.
- sleeping in for as long as I’d like. Setting my own schedule
- being my own boss. Working with clients I love, on projects I’m excited about, in ways that inspire joy.
Today, I have all of those. But no financial growth, actually the opposite. When life was all about money, I had plenty, but I had nothing truly important to me. Now I can’t focus on the things that are truly important because I’m afraid of not having money.
I’m spending so much time and financial investment in spiritual guidance to find a deeper level of peace.
Spiritualism is different to everyone. To me, it’s living life present and deeply content. But there’s something huge for me that prevents it.
Organization is something I struggle with.
- I have hundreds of thousands of photos online.
- Downloads on my computer are overwhelming and shoved into folders and external hard drives.
- My house is disorganized, still working my way down from past hoarding.
- My text messages and email is out of control.
Through all that disorganization, I don’t know what’s truly important to me. I’m so lost, I can’t even see myself (who I really am). I can’t feel my spiritual footprint in my own life. It’s really hard to find meaning.
Plummeting to the ground financially and struggling to find meaning.
For me this week, I did shadow work.
Shadow work: an insight practice to become aware of your shadow or self sabotage by studying both our goals and how we’re likely not to reach those goals through our own bad habits. Noticing when judgement has been projected onto other people. Or embracing our bad habits consciously to see what we’re doing to ourselves. Habits develop for a reason, exploring bad habits is one way to break them.
My shadow work this week:
What is the benefit of not [cleaning my home (or anything)]?
The benefit is to see that if I never make time for [cleaning] then it will never get done. If all I do is spend time [playing games or doing paid work], there will be no progress [cleaning] because no time was invested in [cleaning]. Dishes pile up, the floor becomes crumby, and laundry is impossible to put away.
A straightforward insight for some, in my life, up to this point, I haven’t felt the consequences fully of how the connection between [time cleaning] and the [cleanliness of my space] are directly connected.
However when I do spend time taking action, big or small, things get [cleaner].
The benefit of my bad habit is: I get to feel the value of taking just one step. I develop a deeper understanding of how each small step really does make a difference.
Futility has been my life. It doesn’t matter how hard I work, the work is overwhelming. I can procrastinate until next week. But this bad habit has supported my internal change.
No longer judging the outward progress I’m making.
Grateful and more connected to everything I do have. Even small things.
I feel more peace, power, and pleasure with this moment of growth this week.
If you want to do this same work with me! I’ve built a tool for you. Just fill it out below.
Shadow Work · The Benefit of My Bad Habit
What is the benefit of not…?
A gentle reflection on the thing you keep avoiding — and the quiet gift hidden inside it. Fill in your own answers below and watch your statement take shape.
Your reflection
There are no wrong answers. Write from where you are today.
My reflection
Inspired by a piece of shadow work — on futility, small steps, and gratitude for what we already have.
If you want to see more of the world behind how I reached these conclusions. I’d be happy to show you the work at a deeper level.
Or follow me on Instagram and DM me -> “Shadow work”